IBIZA NEWS - MONDAY 22nd JUNE 2009
The CELEBRITY SILLY SEASON has arrived early this summer. Generally the Brit tabloids reserve their main front page exposes from ‘the island of rampant sin and sex’, plus the majority of their acres of inner page celeb-spotting, for a six week period that stretches between mid-July and the end of August.
Furthermore, content generally involves fast-fading POP STARS, who more often than not have their own paparazzi troupe in tow, fully paid for, or KATE MOSS and some unwashed bloke in grubby clothes, a Royal’s girlfriend, plus the obligatory JADE JAGGER reference. However the recent break-up of KATIE PRICE (aka the-porn-model-with-unfeasibly-large-breasts-formerly-known-as-JORDAN) and her Aussie husband, the former-pop-star-known-as-PETER ANDRE, has required emergency procedures to be put in place, with the Daily Tab currently promoting Ibiza in June, with frenzied front page fare.
JORDAN / PRICE’S need to create controversy is unusually EXTREME, since she’s essentially only famous for being famous, a phenomenon based upon her initially having had a stupendously-stupidly gigantic boob job, then adding even more gloop to them, then supposedly reducing them a bit… but mostly for continuing to whip ‘em out at the merest drop of a lens cap.
Mind you, is that unfair? After all, she’s not a one-trick pony; KATIE-JORDAN’S further renowned for ensuring that things like an amateur porn clip of her gobbling some geezer go out and about, having seen how that approach enhanced the celeb prospects of fellow famous-for-being-famous-and-gobbling-and-getting-a-TV-series-out-of-it character PARIS HILTON.
Additionally JORDAN’S not been averse to shagging any dodgy Premiership footballer, passing Pop Idol loser, or indeed any semi-celeb worthy of co-generating a decent-sized SUN headline (which would usually appear a day or two after she abandoned her latest conquest in bed).
Oh, and of course she’s famed for ‘being a good mother’ (something she, at least, mentions a lot, in quotes, to her compliant media).
JORDAN-KATIE’S apparent need to EXPOSE HERSELF (in every meaning of the word) is required by that same friendly media, the two happily and avidly feeding off each other, in order that she be constantly imprinted in our minds as the publicity GOBBLING VINDICTIVE BITCH FROM HELL that she seemingly prefers herself to be portrayed as, in her digital channel TV SERIES about her life of being a famous-famous person, living life with an ex-pop star partner, and their kids… Or not, as the case may be.
Ibiza though, where does that come in? Well, where else can a gal go to clear her head and gradually recover from a serious relationship break up, during such an emotionally traumatic period of personal tragedy? Umm, it makes some sense, the ‘Mediterranean Party Capital’ being famous for its CHILL aspects or other diversions, after all! So, no matter that mucky pap-cameras are as common as, err, muck - because resultant JORDAN headlines come free, and internationally. But just in case, how about the 31-year-old mother-of-three wearing a silvery thong and little else to PACHA, snogging random girls long and hard on the dancefloor, taking some gay escort/model agency boss back to the room for breakfast/to his villa/to Boho in San An, spouting ever-more vile vindictiveness towards the presumably soon-to-be Ex (or fuelling the greatest ever make-up sex event ever – all on ITV2), habing his name tattoo removed from your body in a town tat parlour, get extremely drunk, or whatever, step into ’lesbian’ fetish sex shops, create a mini-armada pap-boat invasion of Formentera during an afternoon trip, randomly insult numerous other girls about ‘imperfections’ in their bodies (without handing out cards to her own plastic surgeon) and stuff. Plus (despite KATIE-J’s reported 40 million Pound Sterling wealth) stay in the ordinary tourist / red light mecca of Figuretas at the ES VIVE hotel, amidst other clubby type tourists and DJ’s, rather than at the sort of secure and ‘exclusive / private villa’ location that she can obviously afford.
Indeed, if you took away the fact that KATIE-JORDAN is accompanied every step of the way by her own ITV2 film crew, plus dozens of Grub Street Tab hacks, all recording every flash of boob and crotch, she’s actually done NOTHING AT ALL UNUSUAL, merely enjoyed the exciting bog-standard every-day adventures that virtually every Brit holiday bird enjoys during the average Ibiza clubbing trip. Except that JORDAN is famous, for being famous (as is KATIE PRICE), this article proves it, since I’m writing about her, not them!
Roll on next month, and the arrival of even more celebrities in desperate need of a publicity fizz!